Let's get real: disappointment

Let me preface this post with this: 

I am not writing this post for your sympathy, hymns or ha's. 

I am writing this post to get it off my chest.

If you have any of the above to say, please keep it to yourself. 

I don't want to hear it, thanks.

Warning: This is a big long rant. So if you don't want to hear it, don't read it. 

So anyways, back to disappointment. 

I would say I have been in a funk, easily since thanksgiving if not before. 

I wouldn't say I am depressed, I would say that I have been disappointed. 

See the above quote, it is a perfect representation of how I feel.

In my adult life, especially in Illinois, it has been very difficult to make good adult friends that I can call my own. This has been a big struggle for me and has been a big part of why I think I got as home sick as  I did. 

Well, lately it just feels like the friends/family I do have, have been bailing on me. I am sure they don't realize how much it hurts me or what it means to me because I don't have the guts to tell them. 

I keep all of those wonderful emotions inside to fester until it eats me from the inside out. 

I don't enjoy this feeling and so here it is out and proud. 

At halloween, when you say you will make an appearance I expect an appearance. I don't expect you to rub another party in my face or say it was the best party ever. That hurts. 

I grew up celebrating christmas with family, it was a big deal. It was a family holiday, it was about being together. So when you don't show up because of some excuse it feels like I don't matter. 

When I was younger, my sister and I had a joint  birthday party. It was pouring rain, a bunch of kids were suppose to come. We put on our best party dresses, they were matching white dresses with black polka dots with big black bows. We hung things on the wall and got ready. Only 2 people showed up, my parents friends Bob and Kathy. They played pin and tail on the donkey with us and ate cake. It was fun, but when you go back to school and have to tell the kids at school you had a birthday party in which they were suppose to attend, it sucks. 

Well, this year I had a birthday party and from all the people who bailed on me, it felt like that. I understand that  unforeseeable things happen, and they did, people died and mourning is a big deal. I also understand when other plans were made and responded accordingly. I understand having to be there, but when other plans are made after the fact or something gets chosen over you, it hurts.  I am not going to go into details or singling out specific circumstances. Thats all I am going to say about that.

As for the people that showed up to the parties I have thrown a great big thank you for showing up is in order but that is coming at a later more private date, so hang on to your shorts.

Things are very different when you are an adult. We are suppose to forget about being hurt or forgotten and keep going. I don't work that way. 

Even though I am getting this out there, it is in no way a forgiveness of you and your choices. 

I feel like this is the basis of where my disappointment is stemming from at this time. 

I know this sounds a bit harsh, but please I just need to say it and be done with it. 

Thanks for listening/reading.